I’m huge!

You know how some people complain that movies make you mentally weak because you don’t have to use your imagination? Well, there’s rescue in 1994’s Eyes of the Serpent. You have to imagine the swords are gem-encrusted. You have to imagine the sliver-painted hockey masks are really helmets. And you have to imagine you’re having a good time.

The voice-over intro tells us the old king of Tag-Mur died and left his kingdom to his two daughters, Neema and Corva. He also left them each a fancy sword (this is where the gem-encrusting comes in) which alone have deep magical powers. But united they confer ultimate power. Or total power. Or complete power. Or something like that — frankly, my eyes were already starting to glaze.

The old king clearly hoped the two would work together, but of course they would not; Corva seized the throne and Neema fled (with one of the magical plot-swords, of course) to lead something resembling a resistance movement. As we join the actual storyline, Corva is kidnapping Neema’s attractive young daughter Fiona and stealing the sword back. And she would have been able to keep her, too, if not for that meddling kid Raven.

If I ever catch my Avon lady she’ll wish she’d never been born.

Raven (Carlton Lynx, AKA Carlton Elizabeth) is Corva’s daughter and Fiona’s cousin. Raven doesn’t have a good memories of her childhood with Fiona, so she comes in to rough up Fiona a bit in what has to be the single worst girl-fight ever filmed this since the regrettable death of Ed Wood. Fiona escapes, running into Galen (Tom Schultz), a likable rogue with questionable hair and no purpose worthy of his swordly skills. After several rounds of introduction, Galen signs on to Neema’s cause and vows to liberate the people of Tag-Mur from the evil clutches of Corva.

The movie you just imagined in your head? It is undoubtedly better than the movie actually is. Even if you thought it was cheesily, dully, adapted-from-someone’s-roleplaying-sessionly bad, you have no idea. The actual execution of the film is worse.

First of all, let’s talk about the sets and props. Much of the film is shot outdoors, where the sets already come mostly dressed. As far as I’m concerned, that’s a smart move. But the indoor scenes are shot on something resembling a sound stage, and those sets would have embarrassed even Doctor Who. Most of the castle rooms are featureless voids with a few furniture props; the sacrificial altar in Corva’s digs is a pool table dressed up in a few pieces of plywood. And the minions do indeed wear hockey masks for helmets.

Is this a movie or an excuse to write bondage gear off someone’s taxes?

All this would be excusable under the “low-budget-movie” exemption clause but for one thing. Many of the costumes appear to be high-end leather fetish wear. In addition to the hockey masks, the minions wear studded and crossed leather halters making them look an awful lot like kinky Jason Voorhees clones. Corva, who otherwise looks like a country music star, wears midriff-baring scarlet leather armor. And Raven’s strappy outfit probably cost more than all the other props put together. I understand and respect the value of quality costuming, but I think other areas of the film could have used a little bit more love from the producer’s wallet.

But aside from the sets, the rest of the movie sucks too. Don’t be fooled (like I was) by the promising bit early on when Galen is introduced. Despite looking a lot like the typical fantasy-film muscle-man, Galen is actually quite clever and witty. In fact, I liked Schultz’s portrayal so much I stopped my private screening of the film to watch it with the Elf and my friend Some Call Him Tim. This was a bad move on my part, as SCH Tim has uninvited me from his Labor Day party and the Elf still has me sleeping on the couch three days later.

This is because the actual running time of the film is much longer than advertised. The sleeve says eighty-five minutes, but it actually lasted three weeks. Most of that three weeks was exposition (“when I was a child in the Kingdom of Gruntbuggly…”) or introductions (“I like to know the names of people who save my life, and people whose lives I save…”). The dramatic climax is so brief I literally missed it when my mind wandered. There are two sex scenes, one accompanied by an guitar track that will have you cursing Les Paul for ever adding electric pickups to the thing, and the other rendered unwatchable by red lights and/or a red filter. And if that’s not bad enough for you, a narrator tells us the end of the story.

I thoroughly discourage you from watching this film, as it is pain unimaginable.

Fantastic, the Black Knight as Tiki Torch.