“Dear God, why another sequel? WHY?!”

In Chuck Amuck, Chuck Jones attributed much of the success of his cartoons to one simple strategic decision: even though the studio was making shorts about talking pigs and screwdriver-savvy coyotes, they would adhere to a few simple rules. This consistency, Jones said, made the jokes funnier and the characters seem more real. That’s something anyone involved in Freddy Vs. Jason should meditate on before they’re allowed to work on another movie.

The concept is fairly straightforward: in a battle between two of modern horror’s most iconic monsters, Nightmare on Elm Street‘s Freddy Kruger and Friday the 13th‘s Jason Voorhees, who would win? Let’s see: Jason is an invincible, unstoppable, implacable killing machine. He never talks, so he doesn’t gloat before he kills — always a plus on the strategic column. And he has a big knife. Freddy also invincible, smart, has magical powers in the dream world, and five knives. But he’s not that strong if someone manages to drag him out of the dream world. Also, he tends to gloat — a big, big minus. It’s pretty much brains over brawn here, so who wins?

Freddy vs. Jason: the smart money is on a completely different movie.

It’s a sucker’s game, and if you are a sucker you will consider the answer a spoiler. So let’s talk about the movie some more, and see if you can figure it out in the process. Hint: it’s a trick question.

So how do Freddy and Jason get together, anyway? Well, Freddy can’t come back to kill people because no one’s dreaming about him any more; adults have drugged all the children who used to dream about him into oblivion, and no one in town ever mentions Freddy. Freddy recruits Jason from where he’s staying in Hell and sends him back out into the terrestrial world to wreak havoc, hoping this will remind people of Freddy. If you are thinking about this, there are probably about three or four questions that popped into your head, all starting with the words “But how…?” The answer to all of them is “shush, it just works.”

Oh — Crystal Lake is next door to Elm Street, did you know that? Yeah, it’s amazing they have any adolescents left to kill. I bet no one around there says “It’s a little rural, but it’s such a good place to raise kids.”

“Math is hard.”

In any case, Jason starts killing. The adults who had the bright idea of keeping Freddy secret apparently ran out of bright ideas right then because they start talking about Freddy in public: “Do you think this Freddy Kruger’s back?” “Be quiet! We don’t say that name out loud!” “Ooops!” Also, news of the killings gets out to the psychiatric ward — via a television turned to the news, good thinking there, docs — where two of the kids make a daring escape, rush to the high school, and tell everyone exactly what the hell is going on. This gives Freddy the opening he needs. Infuriatingly, however, Jason keeps killing the kids Freddy wants before they have a chance to fall asleep.

Kaching! Freddy vs. Jason! And the crowd goes “zzzzzzz…” See, Jason is not a strategic thinker. He just straight up kills; kind of a machete with legs, dig? And Freddy doesn’t really bother with the strategic thinking either, which is a shame because he’s smart. But Freddy’s main skill is using people’s fears against them, and Jason is an insane mental midget who checked out a looooong time ago. It’s not like Freddy can scare Jason. So instead, they both duke it out for most of the movie. Jason slices, punches, and throws Freddy around. Freddy drops furnaces on Jason, impales Jason on rebar, sets Jason on fire… um, hits him some more… You see the problem. It essentially becomes two ugly people trying to do as much damage to each other as possible, despite the fact that physical damage is the least effective thing you can do to either them.

Oh, you want to know about the other plot? The town coverup? The drugged children? The evil done in the name of keeping Freddy suppressed? Backdrop, that’s all; trust me, that storyline is never revisited. Filmmaking? Serviceable. Acting? Standard for big budget horror. Let’s see, what am I forgetting… Katharine Isabelle is kinda cute.

So. Time for one last screenshot, then you get the answer: who wins? Jason? Or Freddy? Figured it out yet?

“There’s a spoiler somewhere out there, I just know it…”

Answer: No one wins, you dope. They’re both invincible.