I read Battlefield Earth when I was in high school, somewhere around 1988. At the time I was reading a lot of L. Ron Hubbard stuff — none of it Dianetics. I discovered L Ron the Sci-Fi Writer long before I discovered L Ron the “prophet.” I thought it was a pretty entertaining story, but nothing particularly special. I thought, at the time, that it might make a good movie.

It might still make a good movie, but John Travolta’s Battlefield Earth isn’t it.

It’s very easy to summarize this plot: a subjugated Human race, led by a Warlord/Messiah with great teeth, overthrows a seemingly invincible alien occupying force.

Practically anything bad about this movie that can be said probably has been said. Yes, the acting is atrocious, but it’s the overly dramatic kind of bad acting, as opposed to the shell-shocked wooden “what was my next line anyway?” that happens in Manos, the Hands of Fate or Plan 9 from Outer Space.

Save me! My horse is falling over!

What I’m getting at here is that contrary to popular belief, it’s not the worst movie ever made. It’s actually just plain mediocre, trite, and silly. I can’t for the life of me understand why it got so much attention, except of course for the fact that everyone picks on John Travolta (with reason) and most people think that the Church of Scientology is, at best, a bit loony (with reason).

There’s even a sympathetic character. Oddly enough, he’s a “Psychlo” ? someone we’re supposed to hate ? but as he’s always getting picked on and Forest Whitaker is the only actor that does a halfway decent job, you can’t help but like him.

You ain’t been blue ‘til you’ve had Mood Indigo.

There are three things that make the film almost completely unwatchable, however.

First of all, the story doesn’t deviate from the formula. At all. Ever. You can watch the entire movie and say to yourself, “now this is going to happen,” “now this is going to happen,” right up to the end of the film. At least in Independence Day you don’t expect the dog to be able to outrun an explosion. The net result is you feel you’ve already seen the movie as you watch it, making the pacing seem incredibly slow.

Secondly, almost every scene is shot at an angle. This can be a perfectly dramatic way of shooting a scene when it’s used sparingly. But, just like the actors, the director apparently only knows how to overdo things. One scene will be shot at a fifteen degree slant to the right, the next will be shot at a slant to the left ? back and forth and back and forth until you think the action is all taking place on a kayak. This gets pretty tiresome.

Thirdly, half the film is shot with a heavy blue filter on the camera. Everything turns blue. I don’t know, maybe the Psychlos have to breathe blue air or something. But it does get pretty annoying after awhile, staring at a blue screen.

Ultimately, Battlefield Earth is just a dull film. If you love bad movies, like I do, you’ll probably just want to give this one a miss. Rank it with The Postman and Waterworld ? just another overwrought, overacted, overproduced, underwritten film that can’t even be innovative at being bad.