“For my next trick, I will make Christian Bale disappear.”

Cris was born with an unusual talent. He can see two minutes into his own future. He knows that if his talent were to be revealed to the world, he would spend the rest of his life in a lab being poked and prodded by scientists eager to actually “understand” and “learn.” Of course he’s having none of that, so instead he decides to hide in plain view as a magician in Las Vegas.

Naturally, this would provide for an intriguing practical discussion. Can you use your actual supernatural talent in your magic show without giving yourself away? And if you take the ability to see the future into Las Vegas, how far can you go gambling before people realize something is wrong? The answers, if you have any common sense, are “No,” and “Not far at all,” in precisely that order.

If, however, you are Cris – or, as he calls himself on stage, Frankie Caddilac (either way you’re played by Nicolas Cage, so what’s the point?) – the answers are respectively “As much as I want to,” and “Let’s just find out, shall we?” He bases his entire mentalist act on a handful of sleight-of-hand tricks combined with copious use of his future-peep powers – not that it matters as he performs his stage act with all the grace of a wounded yak dancing the fandango – and makes most of his living winning thousands of dollars at a time in the casinos. This leads to the first real problem with the movie – the fact that in order to accept the sequence of events portrayed, you must first accept that every single character in the film is incredibly stupid.

For example, after a misunderstanding in a casino where Cadillac has just attempted to stop a robbery, he demonstrates his incredibly ability to use his future-peeping powers to walk directly between guards who search with all the passion of bit players who have been told by the director to “rotate slowly toward camera right.” Given this incredible gift, any sensible person having made it out of the front doors would turn and disappear into the crowd on the brightly-lit strip. Instead, Cadillac walks straight forward and into a waiting luxury car, taking off on a high-speed chase.

“I am not G. Gordon Liddy! Stop saying that!”

Yes, the man who can see the future decides not to walk away scot free, but rather to escalate a simple case of winning too much and mistaken identity into a full-blown case of grand theft auto and resisting arrest, culminating in an action that stops just short of making him responsible for the murder of the pursuing police officers. For that matter, one wonders why he didn’t use his future-peeping prowess to see what would happen if he grabbed a casino robber’s gun in the first place.

Perhaps it’s because – as we are shown in one of the film’s attempts at comic relief – he’s more used to using his powers to try out different pick-up lines before he actually has to say them. In pursuing a girl that he has seen in an earlier vision, he frequently uses his powers to determine exactly the right thing to say and the right course of action to use to win her heart. Not that there’s anything creepy about this. Not in the slightest.

Which brings us directly to the second major problem with Next, the premise itself. The power that Cadillac has been given would be interesting to see put into action, except that at a given point it fails to follow any logical pattern. Seeing two minutes into your own future very quickly turns into sheer invulnerability, as Cadillac dodges bouncing cars, fists, and even bullets fired from a distance of less than twenty feet – a feat which in its own makes absolutely no sense. After all, a gunman with a gun trained on your chest is not simply going to pick a direction and fire in it, but will most likely be following you with their aim, aren’t they? And in such a situation, it shouldn’t matter if you step left or right – either way, you won’t be enjoying the career your uncle Francis gave you any more.

Which thoroughly eliminates the story as a saving grace for the movie. If we can’t depend on the story, then, what about the acting?

We have love interest in 4… 3… 2…

Nicolas Cage has developed a habit of surrounding himself with actors who are far better than he is. This is not necessarily a bad strategy – it has, after all, worked very well for Will Ferrel in recent movies. The difference is that Will Ferrel uses them to bolster his own comedy by stepping aside and allowing them moments to truly shine, then catching their reflected glow in his reactions. Nicolas Cage, meanwhile, bolsters his ego by casting them in tiny or undeveloped roles while grabbing as much screen time for himself as he possibly can.

Witness the cast of Next, featuring Peter Falk as the lovable Irv whose entire role in the film consists of two scenes, and the bulk of one of those is spent playing billiards with Cage. Then there’s Jullianne Moore who plays her role faithfully as generic torture-happy federal agent #17. And finally Jessica Biel, who – in order to keep Nicolas Cage from being out-acted by her anatomy – spends most of the film in frowzy hippie dresses. All of which leaves Nicolas Cage as the major acting talent, which means that in terms of performances we’re in for a rather bumpy ride. Cage’s movies are crippled by the fact that he – as co-producer – has yet to realize that in order for the “surround myself with the more talented” strategy to work, he has to actually allow them to use their talent.

Much of this could be forgiven if you were willing to see Next as a thrill ride only – an enjoyable way to watch stuff blow up. To that end, the movie is not as stupid as, say, Live Free or Die Hard. What the latest Die Hard has on Next, however, is that at least Bruce Willis’ latest grunt-fest didn’t tie itself up in a neat bow using one of the oldest literary cop-outs known to man. The final, glaring moment of stupidity exhibited by the film is so completely without merit that even turning your brain off will not result in an enjoyable viewing experience – perhaps Rifftrax can ease the sting.

“Frankly, kid, my glass eye is out-acting you.”