Anvil and Sprocket Movie Review

Q: Are we not men? A: We are… Daft Punk?

On a bizarre, alien planet, a quartet of blue-skinned rockers are getting everybody to get up off their butts and jam. In fact, their entire world is so entranced by their music that they don’t notice an oncoming alien invasion until it’s far too late. In minutes, the live audience is gassed and the band abducted. With a spacebound hero hot on their heels, the aliens take their captives to their home world – Earth – where they change the colors of their skins, fabricate Earthling memories, place them under the influence of mind control devices, and set them loose as a hit pop act called “The Crescendolls.”

Is it live or is it Memorex?

Kurt Wimmer strikes again, delving deeper into the mysteries of Gun Kata: the martial art of using firearms to dispatch circular firing squads most effectively. Ultraviolet cranks up the action (and tactical illiteracy) discarding such fripperies as original dialog, plot, common-sense, or even sets. It is a movie that makes you sound like a four-year-old: “Why did her hair turn purple?” “Why did her suit turn red?” “Why is Nick Chinlund wearing an itty bra on his nose?” And so on in a fit of interrogative lalomania.

A lively cast of characters…

Tim Burton and Danny Elfman team up again for Nightmare Before Christmas: The Seq – Um. I mean, Corpse Bride. I had reservations about it the first time I saw the trailer – if you’re not going to use music from the film you’re trying to promote, why bother? Even worse, the music they used was the “What’s This” number from…yeah, Nightmare Before Christmas. Not like the animation style was already drawing the comparison there, buddy.

If Baba Yaga had a castle, this is what it would look like.

A talking fire demon. A young girl under an old spell. A scarecrow, a boy, and a pretty young man. Oh yeah, and there’s a war going on. Take a book by Diana Wynne Jones, add Spirited Away, throw in a dash of Castle in the Sky, and you have Howl’s Moving Castle, another Studio Ghibli film brought over to the US by Disney.

Champion gets nowhere fast.

Madame Souza is concerned about her grandson, Champion. Champion may be autistic; he doesn’t speak much. On the other hand, neither does anyone else — so he might just be really reserved. Hard to tell. Autistic, mute, or shy, it seems hard to interest Champion in anything until Madame Souza discovers Champion’s scrapbook of bicycle pictures. Souza gets him a trike, and a Tour De France star is born.

This is where the movie tanks. Unfortunately, it’s at the two-minute mark.

Lenny’s a shark. But he’s also the son of the sea’s godfather, Don Lino. As one of Don Lino’s sons, Lenny is expected to take over the family business some day. The only problem with this is that Lenny doesn’t fit the profile of a heartless killing machine. He’s a bit roly-poly, he speaks in a high-pitched squeak, and – worst of all – he’s secretly a vegetarian.

Shopping bags, pink sneakers, rainbow slide… Nope. Not a single masculine thing in this frame.

Poemi is a simple young girl with simple dreams. She dreams of one day being a great voice actress. This also happens to be the dream of Yumiko Kobayashi – the effervescent young woman who voices Poemi in this two-episode spin-off of Excel Saga. Unfortunately for Poemi’s dreams, she has been selected for a greater destiny – to be the pink-haired magical defender of the Earth. Unfortunately for Kobayashi’s dreams, she has trouble staying in character – and the director has just been crucified.

Nobody ever comments on the pink owl and the bunnygirl…

There are two terms that it helps to be familiar with when discussing Cosplay Complex. The first one is, of course, “Cosplay.” Cosplay is short for “Costume Play,” and refers to fans of anime, science fiction, and fantasy who dress up as their favorite characters for conventions. In some areas, you’ll find school clubs dedicated to this hobby. Cosplay Complex is the story of just such a club.

Freeze! I have overkill and I’m not afraid to use it!

Kite is the story of Sawa and Oburi, two orphaned teenagers recruited as assassins by the Fagan-ish Akai. Sawa and Oburi think they are taking out people of questionable moral character — child molesters and corrupt city officials — but Akai has an agenda all his own, and it’s not nearly as noble as he’d like to let on. This is no surprise to you, dear viewer, because Akai is clearly evil from the first scene — with lank greasy hair, strange forehead tattoos, and a creepy sidekick with yellow eyes and unusually disgusting skin condition.

Freeze! I have overkill and I’m not afraid to use it!

Kite is the story of Sawa and Oburi, two orphaned teenagers recruited as assassins by the Fagan-ish Akai. Sawa and Oburi think they are taking out people of questionable moral character — child molesters and corrupt city officials — but Akai has an agenda all his own, and it’s not nearly as noble as he’d like to let on. This is no surprise to you, dear viewer, because Akai is clearly evil from the first scene — with lank greasy hair, strange forehead tattoos, and a creepy sidekick with yellow eyes and unusually disgusting skin condition.

Psycho killer, qu?est que c?est.

Young red-head Mikura and blond punk-boy Harada live with their author friend and former police man Kurokawa in a converted bus. Kurokawa left the force to write a tell-all book (which the police didn’t appreciate). Now the three of them take odd jobs to support themselves. Very odd jobs, actually — and unquestionably illegal. But that doesn’t mean they’re bad people. The really bad people are gangster Momoi and his daughter Moname. And the good bad guys meet up with the bad bad guys when enigmatic guy Amoko shows up and hires the Kurokawa clan to kidnap Momoi.